in over my head.

i spent my entire tuesday in bed, recovering from a semi-brutal partying weekend. i celebrated my 24th with a group of some close personal friends... and a few not-so-close friends, but just as personal. feeling under the weather has its definite downfalls but what i've come to notice is that it also has its perks... like... you can spend your hours wasting away thinking about things you're normally too busy to sort out.

par example, how it's not as easy to walk away from something undeniable. it wasn't until recently (read: a few years ago)... that i convinced myself that we're perfectly capable of controlling our own destinies. for example, you don't have to like someone if you don't want to -- but you have to catch it early on. it's a slight form of denial, but it works.

somewhat.

at least until you wake up one morning and realize that all this supressed interest starts to leak out through the seams and all you're left with is a massive puddle of confusion... and you're wide awake at 5:30 in the morning wondering if anything of worth should be held back.

i recently met someone who i know i won't see or probably ever speak to again after the next three weeks. and instead of soaking in all that i can get, i'm simply ignoring it and letting things ride out; treating each encounter as if it were our last (and if it's not, at least i'm plesantly surprised the next time we're together) -- because i figure, the closer you get to someone, it just makes it that much harder to say goodbye. and i was never a fan of saying goodbye.

"... and i suddenly became a part of your past
i'm becoming the part that doesn't last
i'm losing you and it's effortless
without a sound we lose sight of the ground
in the throw around
never thought that you wanted to bring it down
i won't let it go till we torch it ourselves..."
-- thefray.